If you’re new here or missed an episode catch up –
Pilot Episode ~ Episode 1 ~ Episode 2 ~ Episode 3 ~ Episode 4 ~ Episode 5 ~ Episode 6 ~ Episode 7 ~ Episode 8 ~ Episode 9 ~ Episode 10 ~ Episode 11 ~ Episode 12 ~ Episode 13 ~ Episode 14 ~ Episode 15 ~ Episode 16 ~ Episode 17 ~ Episode 18 ~ Episode 19
After last week’s darkness who’s ready for some light? Okay, then, let’s hit play on this sucker.
There’s a light at the end of the tunnel
And no, it’s not a train coming at me. (At least I hope it isn’t! 😆 )
Soooooo…..last week things were a little depressing, right? I actually thought about not posting about how bad I was feeling but then I realized this is my space to be real.
I won’t apologize although I kind of feel like I have to which is just annoying because hello! this is my space and I’m supposed to be keeping this journey real, right?
Yeah, I’m not sorry.
And the biggest reason I’m not sorry is that writing it all down, re-reading what I’d written, got me to move forward and drag myself out of the dark.
Okay, I had a little help. Mr.C and a couple of close friends did a wonderful job of distraction me from my own thoughts. (You can read about our adventures HERE! is you missed my Sunday Sights post.)
One of the things that’s been so hard about having breast cancer is that we don’t live near family. Sure, they’re a Facetime call away but it’s not the same as seeing them in person or getting those much needed Gbaby snuggles.
I’ll admit that until now I didn’t think being so far away from the tribe had been an issue. Obviously I was wrong because I’m pretty sure the darkness had a lot more to do with leaving the tribe in Sydney when we flew home than with being sick.
Then again, there was an awful lot of things that piled on top of each other to put me where I was.
In the last few days I’ve been feeling a lot better. I still have some wobbly moments but overall I’m in a good headspace again.
I’m even writing. I’m not up to speed on that yet but it feels great to be doing it again and enjoying it.
Here’s hoping those dark days are behind me. Although I’m coming up on the 6 month mark since diagnosis and I’m not sure how I’m feeling about that.
Other than my mental state I’ve been having some physical issues that aren’t related to being sick from the crud that took me down when I came home.
My boob has been hurting. And under my arm is still that weird numb but hyper-sensitive thing I’ve had since surgery. I’ve had some fluid build up in my arm too. Not much thankfully, but enough to have me dragging out my instructions for the exercises the physio gave me. They’ve worked but now I have to figure out WHY I’ve had a fluid problem.
It might be because I was sick. Then again, it might be because I hadn’t moved around much for weeks then Mr.C dragged my ass out to walk and walk and walk and….. 😆 you get the idea.
Anyway, the sore boob is an issue and I don’t go back to my surgeon until next month so I’ll have to just be careful and take note of where it’s painful and how bad the pain is so I can let him know.
I can’t help my mind from immediately going to ‘the cancer is back’ train though.
It’s scary how every little thing that happens or I notice makes me jump aboard that express train straight for freak-out town.
I guess it’s to be expected though, right? I’m cancer free but I’m not even 6 months out from having cancer. And all the tests in the world aren’t going to reassure me. They should though because I’m pretty sure I’ve had every test known to man and they’ve all come back fine(ish).
You know this emotional roller coaster is no better than a physical roller coaster. I don’t like those either. 🙁
But unlike a physical roller coaster I can’t get off this crazy-ass ride.
EVER!
Now there’s a depressing thought.
Anyway, I’m doing good this week. I’ve got plans and things to do and I’m writing and I’m showered!
Yes, I showered!
Honestly, for a while there I didn’t. Part of the darkness for me is not having the energy to bother to take care of myself. Which is super weird because you can bet your ass I was making sure Mr.C was fed and there was food in the house.
Strange the things the darkness swallows up and the things it doesn’t.
The human body. Such a weird, unpredictable organism. And no two are the same. It’s mind boggling!
I’m like my own personal roller coaster. I guess if I can’t figure out the ride I should hold on for dear life.
** Episode 21 **
You just have to take things step by step or day by day. I understand the feelings as some days I feel overwhelmed and it’s not because of health issues. Remember, we are here for you. We don’t mind be your sounding board. We care about you. Maybe as travel restrictions ease you can afford to visit the tribe – especially sooner than 2 years. Sending healing thoughts, positive thoughts and lots and lots of HUGs!!