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Living AC (after cancer)
Living after cancer is a strange strange thing.
There are days where the whole cancer thing seems to have happened to someone else and others where I’m so consumed by it I’m not sure who I am any more.
Because I am different. I think about things (EVERY THING!!) differently. I handle things differently. I want different things than I did before.
It’s like I’m two people. Me BC and me AC.
I know it shouldn’t really freak me out because I’m still me, I just….
I don’t know. I can’t quite put my finger on what it is that’s tripping me up here.
Sure, I had cancer and that’s a huge event but I’ve been through huge events in my life before. Life changing events.
And yet this one has tripped me up. I can’t bridge that gap between the BC me and the AC me.
It hasn’t been a year since my diagnosis and maybe I’m hoping too much that I should be back to ‘normal’?
What the hell is normal anyway?
I guess the biggest thing is I don’t quite know myself now. I can’t predict how I might react to something like I used to. The small stuff hits hard and the big stuff is barely a blip.
This whole new me old me conundrum has me searching for people who get it. I’m isolated here in Singapore, and while I know there are probably groups I could attend here I’m not up for that.
That small (okay, it’s kind of large) insecurity has me looking in alternate places. The other thing is I don’t want to focus on my cancer. I’m more than breast cancer. (I’m not even that right now because I’m cancer free which brings about another question. What the hell am I? Maybe that unanswered question is why I don’t know who I am any more?)
Anyway, I’ve started something I’m hoping to build into a community of people who get it. I’ve started it in a place where one of my passions will help bring people like me, or who have stood beside someone like me, together in a judgement free zone. Somewhere we can hang out and talk and not be cancer.
The Living Room is in a community I already connect with. The romance readers and writers community and it’s over on Verve Romance in their new Clubs.
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If you’ve had cancer or someone close to you has had cancer I want to invite you to join me in The Living Room. Come on over, grab a seat and pop your feet up. I already have a couple of topics up and I’m looking forward to connecting with anyone who joins me. (Oh, and don’t forget, this is a judgement free zone. It’s a safe place for all.)
I hope to build this new community within one I’m already part of. I hope I find what I’m searching for there and if you join my I hope you do to.
** Episode 32 **
This post, oh Rhian, this post. It’s moved me to tears. I know exactly what you mean. For all of it. The only way I can describe my BC/AC has been I’ve become like “glass” some days I can fall and nothing happens other days, I shatter and I stay shattered until the day passes. I’ve also felt quite isolated and unsure if in part because of when my cancer happened or what my cancer was as I don’t know anyone who had what I had or probably a bit of both. Hasn’t helped in the aftermath I’ve also now got diagnosis (recently) of ME/CFS (was confirmed when resuming exercise/activities I’ve been getting worse, not better) and cervical stenosis (bone spurs on my C5 & C6). Thank you so much for sharing all these posts. You and they have been lifelines of not feeling quite so isolated/quiet about it.