More than halfway
This year has been a whirlwind of traveling and packing and traveling and unpacking and traveling and chaos.
And to be honest I’ve barely kept up. I certainly haven’t had time to do all the things I need (and want) to do.
Regular episodes in this series has been one of the things to slide.
I’m hoping for a bit more time and organization in the future.
Not until after the silly season of course.
But back to the misbehaving boobs.
I’m good. Physically.
In the last episode of Season 3 I reported my yearly check was clear except for one little side effect of my medication. I still haven’t searched out a doctor for that. And I need to. It’s on the list of things to do but it keeps getting pushed back.
But this week I realized I not only need to get the ball rolling on that but I need to take better care of me.
I’m exhausted.
I feel like I’m on the go all the time, like there’s always something I have to do (but let’s be real, I’m sure most people feel that way), and there’s the constant rush and panic of being behind or almost behind and then we’ve got all the upheaval of not having a home yet.
It’s draining. And when I remind myself to rest (or I’m at the point where I don’t have the energy to do another thing) I feel guilty for stopping. For sitting. For resting. Even though I know I have to. I still feel guilty about it because there is so much to do!
My ‘office’ hours have been slashed because of the move and the living with others and all the things and I’m struggling to keep up there too. It’s why these episodes have been so sporadic (or non-existent).
I can’t fit it all in!
And it’s annoying. And frustrating. And and and…
It makes me angry in a way it shouldn’t.
Actually, I’ve had this low-grade anger bubbling for months. And I’m honest enough to know it’s because I can’t do all the stuff and I feel stretched in every direction and I don’t have much alone time, which for an introvert who gets energy from alone time, it’s just piling on. And on. And on.
And I f*cking hate it!!
It reminds me of when the tribe was little and there was never a few moment in the day. Ever!
Don’t get me wrong, I love living this close to the tribe. The Gbabies are growing so fast! The eldest is staring at 8! How is he going to be 8?
Where did the time go?
I’m in the 4th year of being cancer free and every day I think about what might be happening now if they hadn’t caught the cancer so early.
I think of all the time I would have missed out on and I can’t say no to anything they ask even when I’m exhausted and falling behind in work or my own life stuff.
I know it’s because no one is used to us being here, close enough to jump in and help or hang out or whatever and everyone is jamming everything in still like we used to do when we flew home for a visit.
8 years of having to squish all the things into a few days has formed a habit that’s hard to break out of.
But we’re going to have to.
Well at least I am.
Because I can feel the difference between normal tiredness and the horrible draining fatigue I’ve suffered from since radiation treatment.
It’s time to take the safety advice they give on every plane.
Time to take care of me, then those around me.