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I’ve discovered something about myself that I wasn’t fully aware of before now.
I know I’ve always been one to consider things in a ‘quiet’ way, but since being diagnosed I’ve taken that to a new level. Hence the episode title.
I can’t seem to get out of my own head. And that would be fine if it wasn’t for the fact that I’m not able to ‘function’ outside of whatever has me inside my head.
For me, breast cancer has had more of an impact on me mentally than physically.
My wounds are healed and my arm is about 98% of what it was but mentally?
Yeah, that’s a hurdle I think it’s going to take more than a few months to get over and to be honest, I doubt I’ll ever be the same.
How can I be?
My boob tried to kill me!
I now look at any change in my body as a death threat.
And that totally f*cks with my head!
I think I’ve got a handle on it and I’m doing okay with what was, what is, and what might be, then cancer happens to someone else and OMG! I’m turtling again.
Thoughts spiral and I’m pulling in and hiding.
Except I can’t hide from those thoughts.
Because they’re in my head.
I was talking with a dear dear friend and we’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve probably got a bit of survivors guilt going on.
Why did I beat breast cancer so easily (don’t worry I know it wasn’t easily but that’s how it sometimes feels) and others are struggling through hideous treatments and sometimes removing large parts of their body to get this horrible disease to go away.
I just can’t right now. It’s why I haven’t posted in weeks.
I’m posting today because yesterday I had a check up with my surgeon and he’s so so happy with my progress. His confidence and support make the hard days a little less draining.
I’m allowed to have bad days.
I’m allowed to turtle if I need to.
We all are even if we haven’t fought a life threatening disease.
Life is hard, sometimes it requires a step back and a deep breath. (Or a complete retreat and hide.)
I hope you’re all kind to yourselves and take that step back when you need it.
I’ll admit I haven’t been that kind to me in the past.
But you can bet I’m doing it now. Even when it’s a conscious choice instead of the whole instinctive turtle mimic.
I’m out of my shell today and trying to remain out because we’ve got our first visitors in over 2 years here and I love hanging out with them and playing tourist around Singapore. Not that our guests are really tourists. They’ve been here so many times they know the place as well as we do.
Anyway, I promise to be back next week with a more upbeat episode (fingers crossed) to share some of the adventures we’re all going to get up to.
One last thing.
Be kind to yourself. If you need to turtle there’s no shame in that.
Eileen AW says
Major HUGs, Rhian!!! It’s okay to turtle when you need to. I think we all do it. Probably for different reasons, but it can be a comfort.