(Need to catch up or binge the whole series? Click HERE!)
Not a cricket, a turtle
I haven’t been here chirping like a cricket because I’ve been over there acting like a turtle.
I’ve talked about my ability to turtle before. I’m super good at it apparently. So good I’m often not aware I’m doing it.
I do it, my brain works out what it needs to then gets back to life. And only after that do I figure out I’ve been turtling.
Most of the time it’s short and I’m unaware.
But this time I’ve been aware.
I just couldn’t work out why my brain needed to do it and that’s unusual when I’m doing it for so long. (More than a few days and I consciously become aware of my need to pull back from stuff and why, and I ride it out.)
But it’s been weeks of turtling without any idea of why.
Until last week.
Last week when a conversation with Mr.C had me discovering what I believe has had me hiding out.
I was glancing through my calendar because Mr.C asked what weekends I had free for a quick getaway to our favorite spa in Indonesia. (Which is only a 50min ferry ride away and where I was when I wrote this post!)
But I digress.
Back to what I was saying.
There I am, flicking through my planner and I see a paper-clipped referral from my surgeon.
That blue paper, carefully clipped to the first week of November’s page stopped me in my tracks.
Then a light bulb in my brain went on.
I might have passed the 1 year mark but I haven’t had any follow up scans yet.
Sure, my surgeon does the quick ultrasound of my operation sites in his office every time I go but as for a full mammogram or ultrasound breast screening, I’ve had neither of those since before my op.
I also need to have my 1 year bone density scan done. (Remember I’m having to do those because the hormone med I’m on affects bone density and I’m already borderline osteoporosis in a couple of areas (my left hip is particularly bad).
So while the 1 year mark got celebrated (kind of, I wasn’t feeling it all that much) my subconscious has been having a lovely time freaking out.
Actually, that might explain my lack of desire to celebrate the 1 year mark.
And as the light blazed brightly on my subconscious I started to feel better. More human. More ready to tackle life outside of the pages of a book, (either mine or someone else’s) more…
Although I haven’t been quite ready to talk about it here yet even though I worked through it all last week.
Now I’m here and I’m talking – being a cricket. 😉
I know I’ve been super quiet, both here and on social media, and I apologies for that. I will say, at any time if you want to check in with me I’m always open to getting emails, or you can leave a comment on any blog post here because I get notifications for those. And you can always message me on Instagram or Facebook.
The bonus for being a turtle the last few months is I have been writing and planning my new series, which I’m proud of because normally when I turtle I’m out for doing anything other than sitting on the couch reading.
Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with that. It’s a great coping mechanism for times when you need to pull back from the world. Plus I’m a reader at heart so I’m never upset about reading time.
But I usually do get upset when I’m prevented from writing.
And since my first Covid shot in May 2021 and the quickly following breast cancer diagnosis I’ve struggled to write anything.
So writing is good.
Super good. I’ve got a new novella coming out next month.
(Santa Crush is part of the Santa Cruise charity anthology and you can find out about it HERE!)
While I’m more than happy with what I’ve done on the writing front, I’m not so happy with the way I’ve neglected everything else.
It’s something I was working on, getting back into my writing groove, the business side of being an author, life now that we’re able to travel again, and I thought I was doing well. I’d found a nice balance between work and life and general living and then I came back from visiting the tribe in Oz and the wonderful, fantastic experience of seeing another Gbaby arrive into the world and fell flat.
Or more like splat. I had this invisible, impassable wall in front of me.
You’ll remember the 1 year mark of all the major points in this shit show started in August while I was away and rolled right into the month after I got home.
It’s been interesting to look back over the last few months and see it with clearer eyes, with a deeper understanding of what my subconscious has been working on, that’s for sure.
One other thing has become clear to me in the last week.
(Other than the freak out of wondering if my scans will come back clear of cancer or not.)
My body might be cancer free but I’m not.
I’ll never be cancer free.
Because even though it currently isn’t a physical threat, it is mentally and emotionally.
I will always be checking, always aware of changes, always waiting for those words to be said again.
So while I’m physically cancer free I’m never going to be cancer free.
It’s a sobering thought.
I may need to turtle on it for awhile. 🙂
Eileen AW says
Those are some deep thoughts and realizations, Rhian. Each is understandable. Keep thinking positive. HUGs!!