Let’s get physical. Or not.
Breast Cancer isn’t just a physical battle. It’s a mind, body and soul battle.
And there are days (sometimes weeks) where I think I’m losing the mind and soul one.
Then again, that could be because my health has been up shit creek (and no, I don’t mean the funny show Schitt’s Creek unfortunately) for the last few months.
It’s probably okay to say I’m doing okay. And maybe I’m just sick and tired of dealing with it all. Except there’s no escaping it.
For me breast cancer is and will be an ongoing battle. For the rest of my life. (Fingers crossed it’s a long one!)
I have down days and up days and middle ground days. Let’s be real, I’m all over the place at the moment. I seem to be doing good then something happens and I’m floundering again like a fish out of water.
And sometimes that’s exactly how I feel.
Like I’ve been tossed into a completely new world. Nothing is as it was. Everything has the breast cancer filter on it.
Don’t get me wrong, I know things could be worse and some would say I’m lucky (f*ck I hate that statement!) and I get it. I sometimes think I should be fine myself. But then I think about the whole my boob tried to kill me thing and wonder what I did to deserve that. What did I do that triggered my body to turn on it’s self.
Is there something I can do, other than regular check ups that could stop it from happening again? And just because I had cancer once doesn’t mean I’ll have it again.
But the odds are higher that I will.
I’m living with that knowledge.
I hate it.
I want it to go away.
But it’s always there, in the back of my mind, and it shadows everything I do. Every breath I take.
I haven’t found the one thing that will get me through. I’ve found many things that help but there isn’t a one thing fixes all option here.
So I’ll keep plodding along, and riding those ups and downs and maybe, just maybe, I’ll learn how to get comfortable with them.
And maybe I’ll find a way to live the new me a little better than I have been. Maybe I’ll be able to handle everything I used to handle instead of wanting to turtle all the time.
Although turtling is okay, there needs to be a balance because I’ve been granted a reprieve from my death sentence and I should be making the most of it.
And while I have been in some ways, in others I haven’t. I guess now I have to decide which things are most important and which should be pushed back and which should be dumped all together.
Life is short. Making the most of the time we have is important, for me now more than ever, and that’s why I’ve backed off on these posts but I’m wondering if backing off hasn’t been the right thing for me. Do I need these checkins more regularly?
It’s a good question. One I’m thinking about a lot at the moment so don’t be surprised if I suddenly start posting more often.
Maybe a change up would be a good thing.
Kind of like when I when for a haircut and decided the day before that instead of getting a trim I’d cut it all off.
Drastic action or a fresh start?
Who the hell knows. I certainly don’t.
But I am loving my new do. I might get brave and post a pic on Instagram later this week.
In the meantime, here’s a pic I took at our local Mexican restaurant…
Alcohol. Because no great story starts with someone eating a salad. (And you know I’m going to have to prove that statement wrong at some point.)