Two years gone
Two years and twelve days actually. So almost two years, two weeks 🙂 since I went under the knife for breast cancer. It’s seems longer than that most days now. Except for the odd day here and there where it feels like yesterday.
Physically, I’m good. Well, I won’t know for sure until November when I have my next round of scans but still, right now, with the knowledge I have, I’m good. (In spite of the joint aches and sleepless nights.)
Mentally I’ve hit a few bumps. Or stops. I’m not sure how I’d describe them. I’ll be fine, going about living this life I’m still fortunate to have and something will happen or someone will say something and I’ll be on the verge of crying. I can’t even tell you why I want to cry most of the time.
And don’t get me started about the anxiety. I’m sure it has to do with the fact I’m coming up to the next round of tests. I’m trying to be optimistic, I’ve got no reason not to be, as I said, physically I’m good. I feel good.
And aside from those sudden urges to cry and the anxiety I’m in a good space head-wise. I’ve had lots of family time, both visits here and me flying to Oz, and it’s been great. It’s been as though we don’t live in different countries.
I’ve been writing! And planning! And doing authorly things I’ve wanted to do for years! I’ve got so many good things coming that I’m more excited than I’ve been in years.
This enthusiasm for writing has been missing for so long I was worried I’d never get it back!
It’s been great having the drive to do all the things again.
And aside from those urges to cry and anxiety life is good. Better than good. I’m breathing! But…
I’ve decided to go to therapy or counseling or whatever it is I need. Maybe I should have done this before now. Maybe it’s because I haven’t been here writing out my thoughts. Who knows. I don’t, that’s for sure.
BUT I do know I need to do something to help me get to the bottom of what is obviously play around in my subconscious. It might just be that I’m coming up to my yearly tests. If so, great, I’m sure I’ll get some tips on how to manage this emotional roller coaster in the future.
I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again, having cancer is a mind-f*ck. But being cancer free is a double f*ck because I don’t have cancer in my body trying to kill me and yet…
Yeah, I’m going to get some help. Hopefully next episode I’ll be in a better place.