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New week, new update. Let’s hit play on this sucker.
Have we been here before?
Oh, yes, yes we have.
I’m back in the grip of fatigue.
It started mildly last week and I just put it down to all those kilometers I put in for Relay for Life (which would be completely understandable) except it’s gotten worse.
And in spite of me being careful and taking it easy and making sure I’m eating right, and all the other stuff, I’m stuck.
I’m managing. In fact I’m doing okay, really, but man does it suck.
Especially when my mind is onboard with normal life even if my body isn’t.
It’s annoying. I’m so ready to put this shit behind me and then I’m reminded (again) that I’ll never put this truly behind me because my life is different now.
I don’t get to be the carefree woman of before. I get to have freak-out moments over the littlest things. Like when my allergies played up yesterday and one eye was a weepy mess and blurry and I was convinced I was losing my sight!
Okay, that little freak-out lasted maybe five minutes but it still happened and that was on top of needing to lie down every other minute because I could barely hold my body upright.
Oh, and the fluid problem I was having is still a problem. I’ve tried all sorts of things and while I can get it to go away it seems to happen more and more.
And don’t get me started on the weight gain since I went on the hormone therapy.
I’ve put on 4 kilos (that’s around 9 pounds) since last November!
IN FOUR MONTHS!!!
And I know people will say but you could stand to gain a few kilos and I’m not opposed to it except….
I DON’T FIT INTO MY CLOTHES!!!
Sure, I could go shopping and get some new stuff but I like my old stuff and what if I keep putting weight on at this rate?
Now there’s a scary thought!
Holy hell. I just had that thought!
By Christmas I’ll be another 9 kilos heavier and definitely won’t fit into any of my clothes!
This can’t keep going on. Something has to change and I’m afraid it won’t or can’t because I need to take those hormones to help me remain cancer free.
You know what? I don’t think I have the brain space to deal with that right now.
I know it’s less than a year since I had cancer and I should be grateful that I don’t have it any more and it could be so much worse but this isn’t a walk in the park. This is a constant up and down of emotional and physical health and I’m not doing okay while I am.
How screwed up is that?
I’m okay but I’m not.
Jeez, I annoy myself with this wishy-washy shit.
You know this would all be so much easier if I knew how I’d be before I woke up. If someone could just say before I went to bed each night “tomorrow is going to be a good day” or “tomorrow you’re going to feel like roadkill” then I’d be okay because I’d be prepared and ready to work around it and maybe, just maybe, feel like I have some control of my own f*cking life!
I’m done. Today is not a good day (obviously). It’s why I’m late posting this weeks episode.
Maybe next week (or tomorrow. Please, please, please let it be tomorrow!) I’ll feel better.