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Man there are so many things having breast cancer affects.
First, let’s talk about Fallout (the book) and the lack of words on that. It was done. But then there was a timeline issue that screwed up the whole plot and so I pushed it back. (Remember it was meant to be out last May.) I was hoping to have it done by now but…..yeah, it’s not.
So let’s talk about why it’s really not done. I’m not sure if this is life imitating art or art imitating life but…. The heroine’s mother in Fallout died when she was young.
From breast cancer.
Yeah, go figure that mindf*ck.
And remember this book and the heroine’s backstory was written BEFORE I found out I had breast cancer. So I guess that makes it life imitating art?
I don’t know how I feel about it though. For one, the mother died. For two, is it too close? Should I not want to write it? How much would I need to write about it?
Without revealing too much of the story, the death of the heroine’s mother affects her in a huge way so I’d definitely need to be okay with keeping it as is. I want to. I don’t see the heroine without this affecting her life. I guess that answers my questions. Unless I want to change the heroine I keep the mother dying from breast cancer.
Jeez, talk about a mindf*ck.
You know what else is a mindf*ck? Guilt.
I feel guilty that this hasn’t had a bigger impact on my health and my life.
It’s super weird because I did not want to have chemo and I kept saying over an over in my head for weeks “I won’t need chemo” because I believe in positive thoughts and yet the relief when that went my way wasn’t as great as I’d thought it would be. In a lot of ways I also feel like a fraud.
We caught the cancer so early it was small. So small I didn’t need reconstruction when they removed it and you can’t tell. I see no change in my shape. Of course there’s a scar so you know something happened but other than that it looks the same. Maybe that will be different as I heal more but I think I’m pretty much done with that part.
Physically my treatment is done. Although I’m told the hormones are going to have some physical side effects as well as emotional. We’ll see how that goes once I start I guess.
I’ve been lucky to talk to a few women who’ve had breast cancer and just the fact they shared their stories with me helped get my head level in a way all the research I’ve done hasn’t. Then again, that’s not first-hand and not personal. And in some regards none of that information seemed real. But having names and faces and being able to ask questions definitely makes it real. It also helped to validate some of my own thoughts and feelings. Made what I was going through okay. It might be different but it’s still the same.
Same same but different.
I’ve always said no two people read the same book. It’s impossible because while the words are the same we see them through our own lens. Each of us brings different experiences but what we also bring is our own way of dealing with things. I’ve said before, I’m not a “freak out” kind of person. Doesn’t mean I don’t worry. Doesn’t mean things don’t affect me. It definitely doesn’t mean I don’t take things seriously or give them the necessary consideration and attention.
One thing I’ve heard a lot of in the last few weeks has been that I’m strong. I don’t know that I am. I do know I’ve got no choice but to deal with what’s happening. That doesn’t make me strong. I don’t feel strong.
What I feel is determined.
I’m determined to do what I have to to beat this. Again, if I want many more years of Gbaby snuggles I’ve got no choice but to deal with what’s happening.
Yeah, I’m determined.
Determined is a good word for how I’m feeling this week.