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I’m late! I’m late! So before I get any later let’s hit play on this sucker.
Things are kinda dark this week.
First let me apologize for being late but you see it’s Chinese New Year so yesterday and today (Wednesday) are holidays which means it feels like the weekend. In fact we’ll have THREE weekends in nine days by the time Sunday rolls around.
Honestly, I thought yesterday was Saturday! Anyway, let’s get into the meat of this weeks episode.
It’s been a crap week. I’ve still got a lingering cough (it’s not bad but it’s definitely annoying) and I’ve managed to cough apart my rib cartilage and ribs. I know because I’ve done this before and f*ck me does that shit hurt!
To top it off I haven’t been feeling well, I won’t go into details, they’re rather shitty (literally!) but I’ve pretty much laid in bed for the last few days.
And I’ll admit to feeling sorry for myself for the first time since I heard the words ‘you have stage 1 breast cancer’. This of course triggers other emotions like anger.
Yes, I’m angry. At myself. For feeling sorry for myself. I have nothing to feel sorry about. I’m alive. I’m cancer free. Things could be so much worse.
And yet, it’s okay for me to feel sorry for myself. This past year has been one health issue after another and if that doesn’t make my looming birthday and the number that will click over real as f*ck I don’t know what does.
I wish – I want – to snap out of it and Mr.C has helped a little by having a stack of things lined up for us to do with friends. It means I can’t lay in bed all the time.
I have to get up and shower and put clothes on.
I don’t want to.
I want to stay inside, in the nest I made in our bed and read and generally ignore every other f*cking thing in life.
This is the second week of more downs than ups emotionally and I’m starting to worry about that.
Is it because I’ve been sick in one way or another since we got home from visiting the tribe? I don’t know.
I do know I won’t let it go on for much longer before I make an appointment with a doctor. (I know. Another doctor’s appointment!)
It’s got to be done though. If I can’t snap myself out of this (or Mr.C can’t drag me around Singapore enough to snap me out of it) I’ll need to seek help. Which brings about another emotion.
What the f*ck is wrong with me that I can’t be normal? Be grateful? Be thrilled and excited that I’m cancer free?
Where the f*ck is my head right now?
Do I need to seek that help now?
I don’t know.
I need to work it out.
Maybe once I’m feeling physically better my head will be better.
I just don’t know and that f*cks with my head more.
I swear, if there was a way to see inside peoples heads no one would want to see inside mine this week.
I don’t want to see inside mine!
I don’t want to do anything.
And that shit needs to stop.
I’m marking today as the day this shifts.
We’re heading out to hang with friends at a local landmark and I’m going to enjoy myself if it kills me.
Not really. But I’m going to put in the effort because I can’t go dark again. I’ve been there before and not only did I not like that dark I didn’t like the weird nothing that came with the meds.
I guess that means I need to find something (or someone) to help.
This weeks episode is pretty negative but that’s where I am and I’m not going to apologize for it because this is real. It’s what I’m living.
It’s life without a filter.
Eileen AW says
You have been through so much since your diagnosis, let alone the pass 2 years with the pandemic and the shuts downs and not being able to travel to see the tribe or the gbabies being born. Seeing someone for help should not be viewed as a negative. You need to release all those feelings that have built inside you. Be adament that you DO NOT WANT medication and those weird feelings they’ve given you in the past. Take care Rhian. I’m sending you lots and lots of HUGs along with positive vibes and healing thoughts. <3 <3
Thanks Eileen. I’m so grateful for all your comments and extra thankful for you hugs, positive vibes and healing thoughts.
First up. Huuuuuuuuuge hug and appropriate beverage for you.
You know where I’ve been at and I had someone who had a similar journey comment when I made mention of the rollercoaster that was quite far down and I was all why the f*&^ am I this way. She pointed out, when you get your diagnosis and then the treatments and then and then and then…..you don’t have time to have all the emotions at that point. They sneak up when you are in a place to have them rise up.
While your re feeling crappy your brain and body/heart/emotions have a chance to rise up and usually when you least see it coming. And you’ve been on the high and rollercoaster of seeing the gbabies, travelling the whole thing. It’s I suspect something no one ever or rarely talks about re cancer. I know I’ve had moments while driving or randomly somewhere and it hits me that I had cancer, or that I feel guilty about some aspect of it or whatever.
Be kind and so gentle with yourself. Get appointments as you feel is appropriate. You (or Mr C) will know when it’s needed. Sending you so much hugs and love.
You’re right, Nicky. And I don’t think it’s helped that this is the first time I’ve actually been sick since the pain and discomfort of surgery. It seem so surreal. It’s not even six months since my diagnosis.
As for that drink….some days I wish I was a drinker so I could just get shit faced.
Hugs right back at you!