If you’re new here or missed an episode you can check them all out here –
Pilot Episode ~ Episode 1 ~ Episode 2 ~ Episode 3 ~ Episode 4 ~ Episode 5 ~ Episode 6 ~ Episode 7 ~ Episode 8 ~ Episode 9 ~ Episode 10 ~ Episode 11 ~ Episode 12 ~ Episode 13 ~ Episode 14 ~ Episode 15 ~ Episode 16 ~ Episode 17 ~ Episode 18
I’m late! I’m late! So before I get any later let’s hit play on this sucker.
Things are kinda dark this week.
First let me apologize for being late but you see it’s Chinese New Year so yesterday and today (Wednesday) are holidays which means it feels like the weekend. In fact we’ll have THREE weekends in nine days by the time Sunday rolls around.
Honestly, I thought yesterday was Saturday! Anyway, let’s get into the meat of this weeks episode.
It’s been a crap week. I’ve still got a lingering cough (it’s not bad but it’s definitely annoying) and I’ve managed to cough apart my rib cartilage and ribs. I know because I’ve done this before and f*ck me does that shit hurt!
To top it off I haven’t been feeling well, I won’t go into details, they’re rather shitty (literally!) but I’ve pretty much laid in bed for the last few days.
And I’ll admit to feeling sorry for myself for the first time since I heard the words ‘you have stage 1 breast cancer’. This of course triggers other emotions like anger.
Yes, I’m angry. At myself. For feeling sorry for myself. I have nothing to feel sorry about. I’m alive. I’m cancer free. Things could be so much worse.
And yet, it’s okay for me to feel sorry for myself. This past year has been one health issue after another and if that doesn’t make my looming birthday and the number that will click over real as f*ck I don’t know what does.
I wish – I want – to snap out of it and Mr.C has helped a little by having a stack of things lined up for us to do with friends. It means I can’t lay in bed all the time.
I have to get up and shower and put clothes on.
I don’t want to.
I want to stay inside, in the nest I made in our bed and read and generally ignore every other f*cking thing in life.
This is the second week of more downs than ups emotionally and I’m starting to worry about that.
Is it because I’ve been sick in one way or another since we got home from visiting the tribe? I don’t know.
I do know I won’t let it go on for much longer before I make an appointment with a doctor. (I know. Another doctor’s appointment!)
It’s got to be done though. If I can’t snap myself out of this (or Mr.C can’t drag me around Singapore enough to snap me out of it) I’ll need to seek help. Which brings about another emotion.
What the f*ck is wrong with me that I can’t be normal? Be grateful? Be thrilled and excited that I’m cancer free?
Where the f*ck is my head right now?
Do I need to seek that help now?
I don’t know.
I need to work it out.
Maybe once I’m feeling physically better my head will be better.
I just don’t know and that f*cks with my head more.
I swear, if there was a way to see inside peoples heads no one would want to see inside mine this week.
I don’t want to see inside mine!
I don’t want to do anything.
And that shit needs to stop.
I’m marking today as the day this shifts.
We’re heading out to hang with friends at a local landmark and I’m going to enjoy myself if it kills me.
Not really. But I’m going to put in the effort because I can’t go dark again. I’ve been there before and not only did I not like that dark I didn’t like the weird nothing that came with the meds.
I guess that means I need to find something (or someone) to help.
This weeks episode is pretty negative but that’s where I am and I’m not going to apologize for it because this is real. It’s what I’m living.
It’s life without a filter.