Oh man, can you believe we’re up to episode 21? Missed the 20 before or the pilot episode? Catch up here –
Pilot Episode ~ Episode 1 ~ Episode 2 ~ Episode 3 ~ Episode 4 ~ Episode 5 ~ Episode 6 ~ Episode 7 ~ Episode 8 ~ Episode 9 ~ Episode 10 ~ Episode 11 ~ Episode 12 ~ Episode 13 ~ Episode 14 ~ Episode 15 ~ Episode 16 ~ Episode 17 ~ Episode 18 ~ Episode 19 ~ Episode 20
Aw, this series is all grown up now. I know we’ve been at this a while but let’s hit play on this sucker.
Should I stay or should I go?
That’s a good question. Should I keep writing these posts? I was thinking about dropping them back to maybe once a month but then I was wondering who I’d talk to about all the shit going on in my head as well as the stuff going on with my body now that we’ve hacked out part of my boob and loaded me up with radiation and hormones.
The last week has been a slap to the face for me. Don’t misunderstand me, it’s been a great week. I’m writing again (a lot too) and that feels great but I’ve ‘tripped’ over something several times since last week that I can’t seem to get over.
I had cancer.
It doesn’t seem real. I still haven’t hit the 6 month mark since diagnosis and yet, I’ve had cancer and now I don’t.
Surreal doesn’t begin to describe it.
Seriously, I’ve had to lift my arm and look down my top to see my scars to believe it.
Things could have been so much worse and I shudder to think about that but the thing is…
I HAD CANCER!
I’m struggling with that fact this week. Struggling hard actually.
Maybe it’s because the book I’m writing has a heroine who lost her mother to breast cancer. She’s a breast cancer surviver herself too.
It brings some crazy stuff to mind and yet I’m not really writing about it on the page yet. But when I’m writing in the heroines POV I’m there, I feel that knowledge in a way I’ve never felt before. I’m connected on a deeper level to this woman than any other character I’ve written.
In some ways I’m kind of writing my own life.
It’s not quite the same because no two woman face the same things when dealing with breast cancer but there’s a kinship there that brings out my own emotions and stirs up thoughts that are hard to push aside.
But here’s one thing I know. My heroine? She’s going to get her HEA (happy ever after for those who don’t know the term) and she’s going to live a long satisfying life.
Me too. 😀
Still, I keep going back to that thought.
I had cancer.
And now I don’t.
Talk about a mindf*ck.
I know I’m only (okay, not quite) 6 months out but when does this end? In 5 years when they say ‘hey, you can come off those hormone meds now’, or in 10 years, or 20?
Will it ever end?
Or will I be here in 20 years talking about the same things, asking the same questions?
It’s food for thought that’s for sure.
It’s also a little depressing.
Then again if I’m here talking about it, asking about it, then I’M HERE!
Right?
In other news, I’m getting another Gbaby in August. 😀
Have I told you all that yet?
Oh, and it’s a boy!
Which pleases, #PrincessandthePea and #BoxerBoy because they already have 2 girls. El and Em are looking forward to having a brother.
😆
No they’re not! They’re kind of clueless about it. Well, maybe not El, she gets it that Mummy is having another baby but Em just turned 1 and as far as she’s concerned the world is all about her. We’ll see how she likes it when her brother comes home.
** Episode 22 **
How exciting that a new gbaby is coming!! Hopefully, this time you can attend the birth!!
You are dealing with survivor’s guilt. You had cancer. It was removed. It was zapped and whatever. All those procedures cleared your body of all the cancer cells. Yes, you are one of the lucky ones as not everyone who is diagnosised with cancer can say that the cancer is gone. Maybe writing this story will help you deal with your feelings about this.
I enjoy these posts/episodes. It’s an anonymous safe place for you to vent, share your experiences with people who care about you outside of your family, and gather ideas on how to deal with your unease. So, I’m in the keep this up – even if it’s only once a month.
Take care and sending lots of HUGs your way.
First up wahoooooooooooo on a little lion cub landing earthside in August! (My son is a lion so I have a special love for August boys)
You are going to be on the rollercoaster for awhile. For me I have likened it a little to grief and grief and every other emotion has been brought up to me and huge huge huge survivor guilt as I had a friend who we last saw each other at a mutual friend’s dinner and at that meal, we were both talking about spazzy bodies, Drs being clueless etc. We both ended up with different cancer diagnoses (me kidney/ureter, her brain) and we were both battling but not in contact cause cancer and covid. She didn’t make it and the grief and guilt I had/have are crushing at times. I have another friend who have had multiple cancer battles (different body parts) and she has helped me see it’s just a huge mindf(*& for sure.
I know for me I am still literally stopped in my tracks when I’m out and it hits me I had cancer. I had a HUGE splinter removed from my body and now I don’t. I hate seeing cancer as the “easy” thing cause the fall out has been and is still ongoing for me on a physical recovery from the surgery level. So, for me, I think until I am able to live my life in a way I can find my body and I in agreement (I have POTS and newly diagnosed spinal stenosis in cervical vertebrae and the surgery though kidney threw my 24years of perimenopause into full blown menopause so there’s been stuff there) I feel it’s still weird.
And like Eileen says, you and I can blessedly say, I had cancer. Now I don’t. I have the weird guilt I didn’t even get radiation or chemo (instead I have 6 monthly procedures to check on my bladder and blood tests and occasional CT scans of stuff 🙄🤦♀️). I’m coming into 2 years since my meeting with my specialist and April is 2 years since my surgery…… 🤷♀️
I love these posts because you are the first person I’ve been able to write here and know gets it and I don’t feel like I’m being a burden, nuts or weird about my stuff. I’ve had no where else to talk about it and share openly. So for that I say THANK YOU. I also think you will feel into it and find your new rhythm of when/if you are going to blog as your energy diverts to your writing – and this story sounds very cathartic and allowing you to free yourself in the process.
Big hugs (& wishing could do that in person over a drink somewhere).